Hello all! My name is Jesse Padjune Smith, and I am a writer from Pittsburgh, Pa.

Usually at this point in the conversation, I feel the need to describe what kind of writer I am to whoever I’m talking to at the moment–because just saying that I’m a writer doesn’t seem like enough. I start by pointing out that I’m a professional writer who gets paid for my words, not just the sit-on-my-butt-all-day-watching-television-while-I-tell-people-who-don’t-know-any-better-that-I’m-a-writer writer.

When I finished college in 2014, I began working as a freelance copywriter for a big marketing firm in LA. I spent four years writing blogs and product descriptions and about pages and FAQs for countless companies all over the United States. I wrote about fashion, arts and crafts, technology, the importance of security in online banking, medical marijuana, and any other assignment they threw my way. For years, my copy managers told me that I was a beautiful writer, there was little need for them to edit my work, and that I was one of the most reliable writers they had on their team. As someone who struggles with low self-esteem, I took those kind words with a grain of salt, but I also took them to heart.

However, as the years passed, I came to accept that things at my company weren’t meant to be. The pay was real money—money that came in handy more than a few times—but it wasn’t exceptional. I would work long hours to complete assignments that I got paid barely anything for, just because I refused to turn in assignments that I wasn’t confident in. I am a firm believer that my writing reflects who I am, and even though I could have been paid much more for completing more assignments, I didn’t want to turn in work that I wasn’t proud of. Quality over quantity, all the way (even if it meant making less than I knew I deserved.)

Another issue I had, and probably the most important one, was that when I was working as a freelance copywriter, I was missing out on the opportunity to pursue my true passion: creative writing.

Writing for someone else, each and every day, about topics that I wasn’t particularly interested in took a lot out of me. The reason I took the job in the first place was because of how flexible it was. I loved that I could take a mental health day when I needed one, that I could work from home on the same days that my then-fiancé (now husband!) got to work from home, and that I could write my own creative pieces on the side. But when most days drew to a close, I just didn’t want to think about words anymore. I wanted to relax my brain, binge-watch my favorite shows and play video games until I could no longer hold my eyes open. I still had the passion for writing, but I no longer had the will to achieve my own goals.

As long as I was writing for someone else, I would keep putting who I wanted to be on the back burner. For months I thought about quitting my job to pursue short fiction, but the main thing that was holding me back was being able to tell people that I had a job. That I wasn’t a freeloader. That I was still working hard and putting my degree to use—a degree that a lot of people thought was a waste. I wanted to prove that I could make it in the world as a writer. But then one day I realized that I wasn’t the writer I wanted to be. As time went on, I noticed that not only was I less interested in pursuing my own projects, but when I sat down to do my own writing, I no longer had a voice. Not a creative one, at least. I knew how to use my words to sell things and generate clicks, but I no longer knew how to paint pictures with my words or make the reader feel. I had good ideas, but I couldn’t get them down on paper.

After many a tear-filled conversation with my partner about my confidence, aspirations, and who I wanted to be, I finally made a decision. I gave up my copywriting job. And to this day, roughly six months later, I still have a hard time telling people that. When someone asks how work is, I tell them I lessened my workload to pursue creative short fiction—not that I quit outright. I tell them that things are slow right now, but I’m still writing. I don’t tell them that I gave up on a paying job to sit in my spare bedroom and try to become the kind of writer I can be proud of. But that is what I’m doing.

Some days are great. I’ve found that having structure helps. I no longer have prompts and deadlines, but I do have scheduled time for writing, and when I find myself hitting a wall, I don’t give up. Sure, I take breaks from certain pieces until I get re-inspired, but I still use that designated time to research writing tips, read similar works to get a feel for how the greats achieved their goals, and I try out creative writing prompts that I find on the internet to get my creative juices flowing again. I’m not giving up. I’m always thinking about my stories, building my worlds, and trying to become the best writer I can be—even if that means that I’m no longer getting paid for it.

Like any writer knows, there are still days at a time when I just can’t seem to get my words to flow. It’s not because I don’t want to write, or because I have nothing to say, but for some reason or another, things just aren’t connecting. It’s okay. I’m getting used to accepting that these things just happen. But, in order to keep my gears turning, I’ve decided to pick up a new hobby when I’m in a rut: blogging!

I don’t think anyone is going to read this blog–but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to write it. I used to write blogs for other people during my time as a copywriter, so why not write a few for myself? When it comes to the topics, only time can tell. One thing that’s true about working from home is that sometimes I get tired of the same old routine. Some days I wake up, write a little, browse the internet aimlessly, cook, eat, watch tv with my husband, play a video game, and go to sleep, just so that I can do it all over again. Sometimes I don’t even leave the house, and the less productive I am, the more on myself that I feel.

So, from now on, I’m going to make an effort to try new things. Maybe I’ll try out a new recipe. Maybe I’ll fail really hard at a new art project. Maybe I’ll try a new writing prompt and feel like sharing my result. Who knows? The point is, I’m going to be doing things, and I’m going to be writing about them. If you feel like following along (I’ll post recipe and project tutorial links) go for it! If no one’s around (*listens to the crickets chirping*) that’s okay, too. First and foremost, I’m doing this for me, but I do hope that you’ll be able to get something out of it for you.